Weather[*M]an wrote: Decided to sit down and write. Haven't done so in a while. This is completely rough and unedited, but it is what flowed out when I started. Hopefully it is like by someone. P.S. It's pretty long so kudos if you make it all the way through.
I cannot begin to list nor prescribe to you my shortfalls and iniquities. They are numerous and without end. They are all in one a poor representation of the man I perceive inside when I attempt to describe that man out loud and besides, who listens to false hope and promises. I will not attempt to allow you to on the one hand view me as a mountain climber knowing that on the other hand I am barely able to crawl.
Understand it was never my hope to have you read between the lines and lies to see what I had hoped only I could see. Take a shower they said, you will feel cleaner they said. While I washed the dirt and grime from my outer layer my innermost pieces decayed and withered. It was not my hope that you see me this way.
But darling if you know me then trust me I know all my missteps. I know them all every time I look in that mirror. My distrust for the human race is no greater than the distrust I have for my own face. Believe me when I say I should have helped. The burden you felt was so unfair. Hanging on desperately to a sinking ship hoping that the floating remains would provide some semblance of a true relationship. I was nothing more than an albatross around your neck.
This might be a long-winded exposè on my personal self-loathing and fear, but understand I hated that it had become so clear and evident. You deserved the best or at least something or someone who didn't compromise and try to hide the darkness within itself. Everyone has their battles and demons, but why is it so damn easy to reason with and receive them without so much as a whimper?
I was a poor interpretation of that old Jekyll and Hyde. I tried to blend them together despite the groaning inside that something better was contained in this mere form. I pushed aside, over analyzed, and berated that notion inside that I was meant for more than a lackluster sideshow act. All the while, I made you stand idly by while watching me twist and writhe with those feelings of desperation and inadequacy thinking you would be better to avoid my struggles than take part in the demise.
I made you watch me drown and in the end silence was the sound that deafened even the farthest corners of my personal torment. I was alone. I had all at once won and lost the war that had been raging within those poor decayed pieces. I was left a hollow shell, a void in the space where I once fell, but it was in those moments of that living hell, that I realized I was meant to exist. Of course, this was not without your help. Ghosts of the past still wander in that empty space awaiting their chance to be purged and vanquished by the new and near. This is just a intimate tale of a new war yet to be fought or the new ship ready for sail.
I need not another captain nor first mate to assist, just release my inhibitions and let the prevailing winds take hold of those sails. I no longer hate myself, just thought you should know. I have realized that in my passings and trepassings it gets me nowhere. I have already been there.
I have many demons from my past that still haunt me, to this day. Sometimes I wake myself up in the middle of the night from dreams of where I'm back where I was. I'm not though. I moved forward, and have a beautiful and loving family, an overpriced house with a big yard, a goofus dog and three cats (don't get me started on THAT story!)
You've got a knack for writing, Brother. Use that to pull yourself through, and know that there is always a better world out there. For you, and anybody else that wishes it. Those were truly some beautiful, and painful, words. I felt it.